Food Prostitution

Waiting tables is Food Prostitution. I give a little bit of myself away at every table and I am almost always well compensated for my efforts. By efforts I mean my ass busting. Food service is a full contact sport and it takes some real effort to seem as if the work is effortless. While it might appear I am sauntering through the establishment with poise, grace, bad-ass biceps and excellent posture it is more likely that I am parched, taxed, stressed and ready for a martini. If you don't realize this than I am doing my job well and you need to be mindful of that when tipping. That is, of course, assuming you would like individuals like me to continue providing fine dining experiences. Here is where my thinly veiled attempt to speak generally about the industry ends and I begin ridiculing the inspiration for this post. By inspiration I mean asshat. The asshat sleazebag that sat in my section last night. ATTENTION ALL SLEAZEBAG ASSHATS: There is an expectation that when you make it obnoxiously clear to your waiter that you would like to do the sex right there on the tabletop, you are required to tip the object of your desire very well. When, after having apologized for your inability to control your lust you exacerbate the two hour encounter by aggressively hitting on, "undressing" and propositioning this poor captive, that payment has at least doubled. This is written in the Social Contract. It is L A W. Apparently this dick has not seen a copy of The Contract or he is illiterate because he left me a shameful NINE percent tip. It will be unfortunate when that searing hot coffee ends up spilled all over his lap the next time he dares to subject himself to my wrath. On second thought, being such a cheap bastard likely means that hot coffee will be the most action his groin will see in a good long while.

Whine Service

Wine service seems to be almost universally misunderstood in my neck of the woods. If you want to establish yourself as a Diner you will do so immediately if you know what you are doing with wine. Sadly, most people have watched too many movies and go through some seriously ridiculous theater when a bottle of wine is opened. It is very embarrassing and while you are flamboyantly swirling, smelling and assessing how the wine legs down the glass (oh Lord help me it is painful to type this) you are likely causing your waiter to get behind in their section which will impact your dining experience eventually. So here it is. I forgive your past indiscretions but, for the love of God, please pay attention. When you have chosen a bottle of wine, whether by your own blind foraging through the wine list or your waiter has effectively sold you on a bottle, the tasting of the wine IS NOT TO DECIDE WHETHER YOU LIKE IT. It is simply to assess whether it is corked. Period. "Corked" wine refers to a flaw in the corkage that allowed the wine to turn. It will smell of mold. True oenophiles will simply smell the wine NOT THE CORK to asses whether it smells like your grandmothers water damaged basement. That's it. If you have erred in your selection suck it up, that is your problem. Let's consider what would happen to your favorite little bistro if they went about opening wine and just eating the cost every time some pedestrian eater didn't like it. Yes, that's right. They would be out of business. We are counting on you to have a clue and if you would bring one with you in when dining out it would be just super.